Madonna bombs at the box office, again
by Michael Alian, Outpost Staff
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Madonna and Rupert Everett are an unlikely couple in "The Next Best Thing." Courtesy: Paramount Pictures |
But at the box office, Madonna tanks.
The superstar's latest movie, "The Next Best Thing," follows in the disappointing footsteps of Madonna's other big screen losers. Remember "Desperately Seeking Susan" and "Who's that Girl?" Most of us are still trying to forget Madonna's meager performances and even more poorly written scripts.
Note to Madonna: stick with the singing gig.
It's not that the Material Girl doesn't try in "The Next Best Thing." The problem is, she tries just a little too hard. The first half of the movie, Madonna fakes a British accent. The second half of the film, the accent miraculously disappears. The first half of the movie is a comedy, the second half becomes a less-than-dramatic drama.
Abbie is a single woman who can't keep a relationship together and she's pushing 40. Abbie was dumped again. Her "openly gay" knight in shining armor, Robert (Rupert Everett), comes to her rescue. Another surprise (not) in this too predictable movie: Robert is Abbie's best friend. After a fourth of July to remember, they consummate their relationship. The pair was drunk, but unbelievably they were both able to remember the experience. When most people black-out after a night of heavy drinking, they forget everything that happens. Not so in "The Next Best Thing." The reason: it's unrealistic, unemotional and unentertaining.
"The Next Best Thing" plays into every gay stereotype imaginable.
Did you know all gay men have a house full of costumes and listen to show tunes?
That's not true.
Did you know all gay men enjoy dressing in drag?
That's not true.
Did you know all gay men love to drink too many martinis and are unable to commit?
That's not true.
Even more disturbing is one scene where the entire group of friends, including Abbie and Robert, lay a friend to rest. He died of AIDS-related complications. The problem is, this scene is unnecessary. It's a token AIDS victim. It doesn't help the already anemic story, and it is insulting to suggest all gay men are dying from HIV. Neil Patrick Harris, TV's "Doogie Howser," plays the lover of the man who died. Why did he choose to take part in the gay stereotyping?
This movie isn't a tear-jerker. The funeral should have
tugged the heart strings. "The
Next Best Thing"
It didn't.
Rated PG-13
1 hour 47 minutes
Paramount Pictures
A bitter custody battle between Abbie and Robert for their son, Sam, should have been gut-wrenching.
It wasn't.
It's not all Madonna's and Rupert Everett's fault. It's the script that's really to blame. It's unconvincing.
Example 1. When the couple's now six year old son asks Robert why he doesnt sleep in the same bed as Abbie, his reply is: she snores. How long was that excuse supposed to last?
Example 2. Both Abbie and Robert live a lavish lifestyle. That's astonishing considering she's a yoga instructor, and he's the only gay gardener in southern California. The pair even threw their son a birthday bash that must have cost thousands.
Not all is wasted. Madonna does well playing a mother (she's expecting her second child); Rupert Everett plays a father somewhat convincingly. But the script's abrupt changes make it near impossible for any actor, even a well-seasoned one. Madonna is hardly well-seasoned.
Note to Madonna: don't quit your day job.
Posted March 31, 2000
Copyright 2000 Nevada Outpost
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